As we delve deeper into virtual learning and parents are thrust into the role of teacher for longer than they may have expected, strong emotions may build. Conflict may arise as stress levels build, as kids (and adults) become more stir crazy from being shut inside, and as we all try to make sense of what is happening worldwide.
We need to keep healthy, safe, and connected to each other. But the everyday moments of living together can be seriously challenging. Even in the best of times, the ability to regulate yourself and have a high level of social and relationship skills has always been the most important skills a person needs to function and thrive. Now, it is critical to you and everyone you’re living with.
Let’s keep in mind:
- Conflict is always inevitable. In this situation it’s even more likely.
- Conflicts are usually about two things: the actual thing people disagree about and how we are talking to each other about the problem.
- It’s up to us to try our best to be easy on people, hard on ideas.
- No matter what happens, we still have to interact with each other. We aren’t going anywhere, so it’s in everyone’s best interest to get to a better place. That means really listening; being prepared to be changed by what you hear. Beware the temptation to wait for someone to stop talking so we can tell them why they’re wrong and we’re right.
- Everyone is going to have to change at least one thing about what they’re doing to make the problem better and get us closer to where we want to be.
Before talking to the person you’re frustrated with go to a quiet place and write your responses to the following questions:
- What are the three things you want to accomplish in this meeting?
- Are your three goals realistic?
- What is one thing you want to hold yourself accountable during this meeting?
During the conversation, it is important to aks “curious” questions instead of a “why would you ever think X question” is. Try using these sentence stems:
Can you tell me more about…
Help me understand why…
What’s success look like here?
Maybe it didn’t go perfectly. That’s OK. It’s unrealistic to expect that one meeting will solve the conflict. So have a short check the next day. And don’t worry, you’ll have more opportunities to practice.
Whether you’re cooped up at home or not, you can use this strategy anytime you’re in conflict with other people.
If you want to learn even more and access a step-by-step guide of how to have a family meeting while in lockdown, click on this article from the NY Times: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/09/well/family/coronavirus-quarantine-conflict-family-meeting.html