Dear Parents
Tragic News
It is with much sadness that we inform you of tragic news about one of our 8th grade students. Patrick Haney collapsed after a soccer game and died at the hospital tonight, Thursday. Patrick joined the ISB family in August 2011.
This devastating news will affect members of our community in different ways. Please know that counselors will be available in several locations around the school to talk with anyone who may need support.
We have decided to run school tomorrow (Friday) so that there is support available for students and so that they are able to process this tragic event with their friends, teachers, counselors and other professionals. We understand if you feel it is best that your child stays home with you.
School for Middle School students will begin at 7:20am with Synergy Groups. Teachers will read a statement and then ask students if they need support and make arrangements.
Information about how to talk to your children about death, and typical responses for children at different ages is attached. Counselors and school psychologists are available to support any member of the school community who needs to talk.
There will be no after school activities for MS students.
Our thoughts and prayers are with Patrick’s parents, sister, family and friends at this most sad of times.
Our first priority is to help Patrick’s family and those in need of support. We will look at ways of celebrating his life after talking with his parents.
Andy Davies
Head of School
Talking to Children about Death
Children are aware of death long before we realize it. Hearing about a death in the community may cause a child to have questions about death and dying. If you are concerned about discussing death with your children, you are not alone. Many of us hesitate to talk about death, particularly with youngsters.
Children are great observers. They read messages on our faces and in the way we walk or hold our hands. We express ourselves by what we do, by what we say, and by what we do not say. When we avoid talking about something that is obviously upsetting, children often hesitate to bring up the subject or ask questions about it. Instead of protecting our children by avoiding talk, we sometimes cause them more worry and keep them from telling us how they feel. The child’s fear of the unknown is worse than facing the reality. On the other hand, it is also not wise to confront children with information that they may not understand or want to know. As with any sensitive subject, we must seek a delicate balance that encourages children to communicate.
What we say about death to our children, or when we say it, will depend on their ages and experiences. It will also depend on our own experiences, beliefs, feelings, and the situations in which we find ourselves. Studies show that children go through a series of stages in their understanding of death.
• Preschool children usually see death as reversible, temporary, and impersonal. Watching cartoon characters on television miraculously recover after being crushed or blown apart tends to reinforce this idea.
• Between the ages of 5 and 9, most children are beginning to realize that death is final and that all living things die. But they still do not see death as personal. They harbor the idea that somehow they can escape through their own ingenuity. During this stage, children also tend to personify death. They may associate death with a skeleton or with the angel of death. Some children have nightmares about these images.
• From age 9 or 10 through adolescence, children begin to comprehend fully that death is irreversible; that all living things die and that they, too, will die someday. Some begin to work on developing philosophical views of life and death. Teenagers often become intrigued with seeking the meaning of life. Some adolescents react to their fear of death by taking unnecessary chances with their lives. In confronting death, they are trying to overcome their fears by confirming their “control” over mortality.
While it can be helpful to know that children go through a series of stages in the way they perceive death, it is important to remember that, as in all growth processes, children develop at individual rates. It is equally important to keep in mind that all children experience life uniquely and have their own ways of expressing and handling feelings. Some children ask questions about death as early as age 3. Others may appear to be unconcerned about the death of a grandparent, but may react strongly to the death of a pet. Some may never mention death, but they may act out their fantasies in play. They may pretend that a toy or pet is dying and express their feelings in their make-believe game. They may play “death games” with their friends by taking turns dying or developing elaborate funeral rites.
When talking with children, many of us feel uncomfortable if we do not have all the answers. But death, the one certainty in life, is life’s greatest uncertainty. Coming to terms with death can be a lifelong process. If we have unresolved fears and questions, we may wonder how to provide comforting answers for our children. While not all our answers may be comforting, we can share what we truly believe. Where we have doubts, an honest, “I just don’t know the answer to that one,” may be more comforting than an explanation that we do not quite believe.
When talking with your child about death, bear the following things in mind:
• Try to be sensitive and open to children’s desires to communicate when they are ready.
• Offer honest explanations, especially when you are obviously upset.
• Try to find brief, simple, and age appropriate answers to children’s questions.
• Consider telling children that different people believe different things about death, and that not everyone believes as we do. For example, some believe in an afterlife, others do not. By indicating our acceptance and respect for others’ beliefs, we make it easier for our children to choose beliefs different from our own but which are more comforting to them.
No matter how children cope with death or express their feelings, they need caring and nonjudgmental responses from adults. Careful listening and watching may provide important clues to learn how to respond appropriately to a child’s needs. If you have concerns about your child’s response or adjustment, you can seek help and guidance from his or her counselor at school.
Adapted from www.cc.nih.gov/ccc/patient_education/pepubs/childeath.pdf
Other resources:
https://www.partnershipforchildren.org.uk/resources/my-child-is-worried-about/bereavment/talking-to-children-about-death.html
https://www.parenting-ed.org/handout3/General%20Parenting%20Information/death.htm